Monday, June 9, 2014

5 years later

There was once a time I wondered if I would ever feel OK again. To feel a breath of air without feeling suffocated and to live with the power of laughter. I once urned to feel alive again, I starkly remember everything being a blur. At the time, grief knocked the breath out of me over and over and over again. I was knocked down by the shrill thought of our nightmare.

The night, that in it's  young was full of hope and coated with naive. I went to bed taking for granted that tomorrow would happen, sure it would be filled with anxiety and fear but I already was given the free ticket to this ride that I already cautiously accepted. 

That phone call changed everything. In an instant. And oh how I have come to know how and instant can halt infinity in a fraction of a second. Your hopes come shattered in front of you, your very breath raped from your soul and reality smacks you right there in your face.

That's my story. Not everything is happy. I, well... we became that story. The one I once shy ed away from, never thought would happen to me kind of story. We turned the corner what seemed like a slow motion movie to see our less than one pound baby surrounded by every nurse, RT & DR in that room fighting. Ventilators being switched, compressions being counted, tears filling the very eyes on the other side of the bed. The side I am used to being on. 

I held him. They encouraged me to and at the time I didn't think that moment would be monumental, they were still doing compressions and I was praying out loud in tears that God would give us a pass. He would teach me my lesson right then and there. This was just a nightmare.

But he didn't spare us. 

We all know the story, I have typed it over and over again. Code was called, I fell in Chris' arms and I now know more than ever the process that begin right there in that moment.

I guess I look back 5 years later and still- as vivid as that moment was etched into my heart- today it's so different. I remember moments but barely my surroundings, how I acted, what I said. And if it wasn't for this blog- god only knows what I would remember and it saddens me.

But here I am wishing I remembered more. Praying I had a vivid good memory, one I could recall without having to read a blog post or flashback to something bad. I want to remember the good Nolan gave us, the fight we fought for him when OB specialist told us it would be OK to give up and not to bother to have hope.

I was driving down the road tonight, it was dark with no other cars beaming in the distance and I flash backed to the night I drove home from Sanibel at 3 in the morning after visiting Chris at work after I had a mental breakdown at home. I forgot how broken  I once was triggered by something as easy as driving past the hospital- my gosh the thought of even stepping foot in there would send me over edge.

Today I grieve, it's a different grief. It's still a raw and painful jagged feeling but different. I only longed what it would feel like to be a mother, granted I knew I was a mother. But all I knew was broken and ugly. One that justified my title by my emptiness trying to convince myself that through that glass he knew I was his mom cheering him on every second of the way. I knew the entire time his odds were against him. It's reality. I chose to ignore that because I didn't want him to feel that.

Today I grieve normalcy. I long for that feeling to have 2 children in the same household, pray that CC would call out to Nolan and wish I had to tame 2 insane boys all while juggling a career and household. My triggers have evolved to those with normal families that throw innocent birthday parties that have siblings and chaos. I want that SO BADLY. I am having to grasp that CC is an "only child" YET...he's SO not.

I cried the other night when I told CC to wish Nolan a Happy Birthday in his prayers and he so innocently looked at me with a sad face and said "But he's too far away"

I have done my best to teach CC he has a big brother who lives in heaven, that we visit in a memorial garden. He knows to blow kisses to his Great Grandpa, Uncle Charlie & his cousin Brice when we visit Nolan. He told me a few weeks ago that Nolan wasn't teeny tiny anymore but a big boy now. He said it with such certainty that it took my breath away.

It's my normal. I just wish it was so different but our stars weren't aligned as such. I often daydream what our life would be like with 2 boys here and how we would be different.

But oddly enough, I have come accustomed to it. I have adapted to this life, slowing accepting how I react to what was given to us. My hand has been held by some incredible people, INCREDIBLE. As alone as I felt having my heart ripped from me, I oddly never felt alone. 

He has allowed me to move my own mountains that I never knew existed before him. I miss him with my entire being and long for that hope he made my heart swell with. He made me a Mom. A first time Mom that taught me love can be eternal yet not forever tangible. An that  instant can be a lifetime.

And your little miraculous lifetime made me who I am.
You are beautiful.

I miss you Nolan

Thursday, January 30, 2014

Social judging

Today I learned that CC should be in a rear facing carseat until AT LEAST age 4 and after that keep him in a 5 point harness until age 6. OMG. 

My lesson today, do not ask carseat groups any questions unless you are ready for the only and one way to transport said child. 

So I wonder if back in the day there was so much judging as there is now in the parent world or is it social media that caused that.

I'm frustrated with judging Moms. Sure we all do it to an extent- oh you mean you don't use a car seat for your 10 month old and shoot up crack between feeds. Oh ok. 

Seriously though, I truly feel that most parents have the best intentions for their child. Obviously we all don't want our precious cargo harmed especially because of a bad parenting decision that one stranger will put blame on you for.

For example,

I made a choice 3 years ago that I was going to attempt breast feeding. I was well aware of the benefits and even though I didn't grow up watching my Mom breast feed my 3 younger siblings I figured I would give it a shot. MAYBE my intentions were more of the route that I would lose weight faster and it was free (gasp). But 7 weeks into it I realized it was SO not for me. So I dropped out.

BUT OMG I.felt.awful. 

I mean, I was still feeding CC. He was gaining weight and happy as can be. But I wanted to hide in a corner because if the wrong person found out I would have to hear all the benefits he was missing out on and once again feel like a failure.

But I wasn't. I knew that deep down.

Then came crying it out. Little did I know what a phenom en this was. Apparently I was an evil human being for wanting CC to learn some self soothing skills. And hey guess what, he survived! 3 days in and he was a master as passion gout on his own. Go me!

I could keep going on all the socially unacceptable & unpopular things we did with CC. I know those blogs have been written so I don't need to go there.

Quite honestly, I know we are all guilty at some point. But why all the extremes? Is it a social media thing? A law you must abide to if Internet Mom says so? I mean to each their own and if you want to do it the opposite way, so be it. It doesn't change me, right?

I already lost one child so I think I am well aware of the safety of my 2nd. I do my best at keeping him safe and happy. And so what if you do it different, that's the beauty of parenting. 

Thursday, January 23, 2014

24+ hours

3 nights of work in a row. I haven't seen CC in 3 days. Well that is a stretch, I did stop by my parents for breakfast after one night but either way- it's a long 3 days since Chris has been working too.

Relying on reports from my dad on the musings of CC leave me craving for my tight hugs wrapped around my neck and the chaos he brings. God bless my Dads patience because CC is a handful as any 3 year old, guess he got decent practice with 4 kids of his own. Shoot- we're all still giving him problems.

Any who-

Did they always have Preschool parent-teacher conferences?

That happened tonight. 

Come to find out they have a whole binder on CC working on projects the past 5 months, his developmental milestones and examples of his work included neatly in an organized paper protector smorgasbord that only a teacher could execute.

Well.. it went great. We knew he has come a long way in the last 6 months, but to hear how impressed his teachers where with his progress was just one of those moments I was secretly giving myself and Chris a high 5. 

Apparently he is great at social interactions, loves dramatic play, cars, and sticker projects. Yet hates lacing things and attempting to count higher than 2. Despite that, he remembers ANYTHING else you teach him. (

So here we are now -home and winding down with a glass...
Ok-bottle. While Chris and I both are fueling off an hour nap and Papa Murphy's Pizza.
Which by the way is amaze balls!
Family dinners rock.

Bath. Chaos. Fighting to put on PJ's while a crazed nut runs ramped around the room half naked while we are both drained of energy must be someone entertaining.

But that exact moment where he squeezes your neck and confesses his little toddler sized love makes staying up 24+ hours to have that moment 200% worth it. I waited 3 days for this.

And now that he's finally in bed, we're winding down. Yet, I'm having to listen to Chris commentate the Bachelor as I catch up. 

Monday, January 20, 2014

A little bit of everything circa 2013

So I turned 30. 
The 20's had some awesome moments. Graduating college, dream career, getting married to name a few. But my god the last 4 years were rough and quite frankly, I was excited that turning 30 can only start on a good foot and hope for a kick ass decade. 
Guess who else turned 30? 
Ya, that guy. Yup I'm wearing the same shirt- I feel skinny in it!

As for CC...

This was the year for school. After many failed attempts at getting help for His speech we decided putting him in a preschool a little early could only benefit him. Who knew speech therapy would cost $600 a week since our insurance doesn't cover it. Holy crap balls!  

But- it was the best decision ever!
OMG. He LOVES it! He started in the summer and since then has flourished in the talking dept. The stuff that flies out of his mouth makes me want to keep a blog just to document and remember those moments.

When I thought about how absent I've been blogging, it made me sad to think on all the relationships I've made over the past few years because of my blog. I have made lifelong friends because of this little corner on the Internet. One being Diana. Who under terrible circumstances I flew out to Texas for in August. 

How I wish we could have finally met in person under happier times, I was incredibly honored to be a very small part of Kaden's story and give comfort to a dear friend. 

Honestly, I could write a whole blog about that. Maybe in time I'll sit down and sort through those emotions and get it on paper. So much to say. 
But really Diana, I am so honored to call you a friend.

Halloween was the first where my plan for an awesome costume failed. A couple attempts at a homemade costume making CC look like a botched dog gave me a reason to skip the "Slinky the Dog" costume and make a last minute trip to the Disney Store where he picked out a Woody costume.
Gone are the days of me picking out his costume. That lasted a whole 2 years.

Oh! Here's a new one! I got new bangs! It kind of happened on accident, my hairdresser thought I wanted the whole hairstyle of the picture I showed her and I assumed she knew to cut my bangs like my normal side swept. But she didn't. And thank god because I feel all young again. 

Then December rolled around and a busy one it was. 
CC turned 3. Wow. 3 whole years. 

He wanted a rainbow birthday cake, a Sofia the First costume, a big garbage truck and planes. Diverse kid I tell you. But CC got the best birthday present of all. 

His cousin Baby Luke (Brice's little brother) was born. How is it 2 little boys who have big brothers in heaven are both born on the same day 3 years apart? Just crazy.

He's healthy and so super cute and when they came home to celebrate the holidays with Luke in tow, my heart melted watching CC hold him. 

Happiness. Pure Bliss. I wish I could have told myself this would happen 4 years ago when I felt like the world would be against me forever. Which don't get me wrong, things aren't perfect. Nor are they all butterflies and glitter rainbows. I miss Nolan more than I can verbalize but my sadness isn't a gut wrenching pain every.single.moment. like it used to be.

It's just different. 

I can step back and with a smile at that and say Nolan made me who I am as a mother, wife and friend today. 

Happiness returns. I promise. 

Christmas came. It's was definitely a little more magical this year. I still boycotted the damn Elf on the Shelf, mostly because I knew I would forget to move the damn thing. 
Calling Santa on Christmas Eve was better than any Elf thing anyways. 

Needless to say 2013 was pretty awesome. A few cruises, turning 30, watching a toddler grow into a preschooler and gaining another nephew.

We toasted in the new year staying close to home and went to a neighborhood Sip n Stumble, because well when you're 30- going out on amateur night isn't cool anymore. Ha. 

It's almost impossible to lump an entire year into a blog post, well more like the past 6 months on a blog that has been vacant for over a year now. I am making it my New Years resolution to blog regularly not for anyone but myself so that next year, I'm not here trying to make one general post on an entire year.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Toddler 1, Mom 0 (a big fat zero)

I'm not really sure what I was thinking when I agreed to go get a mani/pedi today with CC in tow.

I had convinced myself that with the aid of coloring books, crayons, iPad, flash cards, trains he diligently picked out himself and good ole McDonalds Happy Meak that he would be content for an hour.


Take a deep breath...

Hahahaha hahahaha
I'm sure the women in the salon mumbled under their breath when I walked in with the stroller and claimed we had an appointment.

Granted he started to prove me wrong. For a nanosecond, I thought- "crap, this could be life changing"

Again, hahahaha hahahaha!

It started with me falling out of my pedi chair trying to set up the iPad which in turn spilled my mimosa all over the floor.

Ok fine. No big deal.

CC is content for awhile after that.
Well of course he was content... he was going all Picaso drawing with crayon all over the iPad.

10 min later, a bag of Goldfish was thrown like a bag of rice at a wedding. Poor nail techs acted like it was no big deal as they got out the freaking shop vac like it was a daily occurance. Thank god for their patience today.

2 hours later. Mani/pedi complete and a nice tip we were out the door. Sure, he could have been way worse- but it was enough to NEVER do that again.

Oh! And let it be that my damn nails were ruined by time I got home. That's what I get by trying to save time and not get shellac.

So nap time was non existent after missing the Golden Hour, so my plans for an early dinner and bed start brewing the second I got home. Chris was on his way out the door to work while I sat on the couch with a Costco sized bag of white Cheddar Pirates Booty (OMG amazing stuff)

After dinner I realize how much crumbs there were and ask CC to help me sweep it up. But every time I would finally sweep it into a pile, CC would pile through with his mini broom.

Fine. Ill get the vacuum and beat you to the punch you little devil you.

The vacuum didn't seem to be working, no matter what I did, it seemed to me multiplying.
Of course .

That was because I realized CC created a hole in his diaper and the crumbs were actually the beads from the absorbent stuff.

Diaper off in an attempt to cease the white ball mess. In the 2 seconds it took me to toss it out, CC was over in the corner peeing on the floor.

Did I mention how much of a pain in the ass it is to get that stuff to sweep or vacuum??!

But now it's 7:30pm- were showered and pajamas and laying in bed. I should grab a beer but laying down and passing out seems so much more appealing right now.


Monday, April 1, 2013

Way back when in 2012: a pictorial update

Siiiigh. So wondering what's been going on? Well here we go-

CC met his main mouse Mickey. Yea yea, this was waaaay back in October and since then have been back almost every month. Living in Florida has it's perks and I follow this guy's blog at and follow the days he says to go. 

Even sent off a Mickey balloon on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day since we wouldn't be lighting a candle as we do every year.

Then there was Halloween. Where I attempted to be a cool Mom and MAKE his costume. Dont let the costume fool you, I don't sew- I hem with hot glue. Hey it works.

I went on a vacation. Yup, I left Chris and CC behind and went on a cruise with my mom. Shocker, a cruise right? I took a week of no work, tons of sleep and no guilt drinking and it was AMAZE-BALLS!
 Good times!

And I got to wear sparkles and make-up. Cheers!
P.S. Doesn't my Mom look awesome!

OH! Then out of nowhere- we found ourselves a TWO year old- a 36lb, energetic and full of personality little two year old. We spent the day up in Orlando having breakfast with Mickey and celebrated with a birthday party over the weekend with close family and friends. 

And then, he grew up and got his Driver's License. No lie. And the kid is a pimp, already picking up the ladies.

Christmas came and went but not before sending out this classic Christmas card. My mom said,

 "You're really not going to send out a picture of him picking his nose are you?"

Yes. Yes I am. Come on, I'm a freaking respiratory therapist. I pick those suckers for a living.

No lie. He did that all by himself. I a just the crazy Mom with the camera who got the moment. THANK GOD! 

OH! We added an addition to the family. Yea, that was back in October. His name is Knox and he is awesome. Chris will deny his "permission" he granted me when I called from the breeders begging for the dog. 

"Do what you think is right"

That's what he told me. I hung up, turned to the breeder and asked her who to write the check out to. The breeder then commented on how that was the quickest and most efficient she ever heard a significant other get a "yes" out of the other half.

Well, it wasn't a "yes" per-say, but in my book it was.
So here he is. Back when he was little. REAL Little.

Every little boy needs a dog. At least in my book.

Back to chronological order of events here.

Went on another cruise. CC's 4th cruise. More to come on cruising with a toddler in a later post. 

And here we are now. That's like 1/8 of what we have been up to. So much more but what it really comes down to is waking up, shuffling day to day between work, gym, chasing toddler, attempting to be a house wife. HAHAHAHAA. I suck at it. My brain is like a freaking circus 99.9% of the time.

I'm good. Hired a cleaning lady, house never looks it but hey at least my toilets are clean. Thankfully CC loves chicken nuggets and mac n cheese because those are easy to make and as long as I keep up on my ADD meds...

We are GOLDEN!

Speaking of Golden's-
Here's a new picture of the sweet boy Knox

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Life in the way.

There was once a time I laid in bed in tears wondering what it was like to be a Mom. Well a Mom to a little boy here on Earth. I would scour the Internet looking for someone just like me, someone I could relate to. Someone that too felt so lonely and isolated in this world swallowed in unimaginable grief.

I found comfort in blogging and in turn met many many women who too gone through such grief. I had a lot of time on my hands. A LOT.

I blogged and blogged and blogged again. Words just flew out on to the keyboard.

And then I look at my last blog post and it was like... a million years ago. Seriously- over 9 months ago.

What happened?

Life I guess. Life got in the way. But a good way. And I am loving every single last second of it. It's not as easy to write anymore. I am unsure if it's because I am in a much better place and I find it harder to write with ease or is it the 37lb toddler I am trying to keep up with? Granted sometimes when I need to write most over the past year, it's had to do with work and the emotions working in the NICU has brought me and well, I can't say much due to HIPPA. So I am stuck.

Either way- I miss it. I love going back the past few years and watching our family grow and documenting the little things I don't ever want to forget. I want to savor every second just as I did in Nolan's short little life. I am so thankful I did, because almost 4 years later...the little moments are fading but the words I wrote in those very days quickly and vividly remind me of what happened. 

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Sandy toes

A little sand between the toes, a mouthful of shells and red little cheeks make an afternoon at the beach basking in the warm sun perfection. I often forget how close to paradise we live considering we get so caught up in the everyday hustle of work, family and life. It was heaven taking a day and spending it on the one of our most beautiful beaches with some close friends, perfect setting to catch up on life.

What a differnce in a year can make.