Nolan's Story

Strength.

2012-02-08T12:00:00.001-08:00

Strength [strengkth, strength]
- noun 1. the quality or state of being strong 2. intensity 3. force in numbers 4. strong or valuable quality

I am not strong because I lost a baby, nor am I strong because I grieved. I am not strong because I put one foot in front of the other to survive each day. It was pure choice to either live or die. Strength in my mind had no play in that. It was simply what I had to do- live. Go through the motions, grieve and find that "new normal"

Over the past 2.5 years I have heard over and over again how strong I am. I'm convinced it's what people say when they see your survival. I don't feel that strength that others seem to see when they look at me. I'm just an ordinary girl who had some pretty shitty things happen to. I burrowed into my new normal, picked up the broken pieces and nestled into my new home of my so called life.

Until last night, I'd fight you to say your wrong if you called me strong. I survived.

But last night I did something. Something that I was unsure if I'd ever be able to do since the day those dreams were broken.

Dreams that got put on the side burner since the night we watched Nolan code in front of our very eyes. The images of compressions being done on Nolan in his issolette, the entire NICU staff surrounding his bed, the ocillator being brought into the room in attempts at a last chance effort. But I'll never forget that moment. The moment it was all over and the crowd slowly left the side of the issolette while Chris and I held our lifeless baby in our arms in pure shock.
The smell, the atmosphere, the moment has been etched in my head to this day. His spot in a room full of babies, right next to a door in the back corner.

But last night I took the first step in following my broken dream of becoming a NICU therapist.

Last night I was strong.
Last night I shadowed a dear friend on her shift in the NICU. I wanted to feel it out, see if I was ready: my heart was saying yes.
It wasn't my first visit back to the NICU but it was my first back into the corner Nolan was. But I surprised myself, instead of anxiety- I felt strength. Yes strength. Actually I walked past that spot many of times through the night.

And at one point, I found myself sitting and looking at his corner, right through that very door they brought us in when we were rushed up to the NICU. I didn't find myself mad or upset, instead I felt pure strength.

I may have been on the journey to be a NICU therapist long before Nolan was ever an inkling on our mind, but at that very moment I knew that my dream and goal were once again possible.

Not only that, I had hands on care with some of the babies. I saw equipment, heard the same noises and oddly enough felt like I belonged. As I did 2.5 years ago when my plan to become a NICU therapist was put on hold.

I had an amazing night. I proved to myself that I am strong. I did things last night that at one time in my grief journey I thought would be near impossible.

I can do this.

Walking out of the hospital this morning I felt on top of the world. It was what I needed.

So I'd be lying if I said I didn't cry when I got in my car. Ok the water works poured out.
But funny thing was it wasn't sad tears, it was thankful tears that I was able to do it. I'm going to follow my heart. I know I my heart is ready and I am going to be a NICU therapist, finally.

6.7lbs

2012-01-14T04:13:00.000-08:00

SO I survived my first week of WW, although this is not first rodeo with WW. I forgot how much I loved this diet. Shoot, I barely consider it a diet because it's THAT easy. So here's the down low...

1. Get off your arse and get to a meeting. This will be the hardest step. At least it was for me, I blame procrastination and nerves. You don't even have to pre-register, just GO! that's right, march your soon to be little butt in there and own that scale. It will be the best thing you do for yourself this year yet. (granted we are only 12 days into the year)

2. Be ready to step on the scale and meet your enemy. 185. Yup. That's what I weighed in last week. Although, I told the lady I didn't want to know my number at my first weigh in. It was more of a psychologicall thing for me given I knew I gained weight in December (ahem 12lbs!). I didn't want to feel like I was battling uphill to get to where I WAS just 2 short months ago (173). She understood and reassured me it's normal. She wrote the wretched little number down in my book, closed it and handed it back. Phew.
Oh and I learned my Points Plus Value is 29.

3. 29? Yes. I get 29 points day to divide up and eat how I want. Each food, drink and sauce is calculated into a point value. So I can decide to eat a BigMac for 14points and waste half my day, or chose to eat grilled chicken sandwich with whole wheat bread from Chick-Fil-a for 7 points. Ummm... Chick-Fil-A please. Best part yet, veggies and fruit are ZERO points, yes zero!

My day looks like this.

I am able to track this all on my iphone app and even better yet- I have an app that scans barcodes and gives you point values. Hello awesome!

Favorite Go-To Foods this week include:
D Lites Sandwiches for the afternoons I am running out the door to work: 7pts
Sliced Cucumbers & Carrots: 0 points
Smart Ones freezer meals: varies in 5-10pts
Fiber One Bars: 2pts
Yogurt: 2-3pts

Pigs in a Blanket: 5pts

I eat breaskfast, lunch and dinner and have enough points for good tasting snacks and deserts. I am not even deprived of my Diet Coke, although I have cut down on my intake. for now at least.

4. Get active.
I chose to go with the Couch 2 5K app on my phone, it's a good 30 or so workout in running/jogging & walking intervals. Chris and I have been doing it together and it actually gives us something to do other than our usual. Such as this weekend we ran at the park with CC, spent some time on the swings afterwadrs and the baby loved it. Win win for us all.

I also bought a pedameter because with all the walking I do at work around the hospital, I knew I had to be putting in over a mile. The past 2 nights, I have burned a good 2 miles each night on those tile floors. SCORE. Which also gave me two extra points to add to my total for the day.

Sounds too good to be true but they say if you follow the plan, you will lose. Skeptical? Yea I was too.

But then the weight loss Gods sang to me when I stepped up on the scale this week for week 2, hoping and praying for a loss and gosh darnit....

6.7lbs!!

Holy pancakes! I feel like I ate like a Queen- ok minus the Chris' nachos I turned down at lunch Sunday. But seriously- through out the week I splurged on oatmeal cookies, Dominos Pizza and even had my Starbucks a few times.

This is SO easy! I would love to hear from you if you are also doing WW. My group leader said it best "This is so much easier to do with someone else" and it's the truth. My friend Sara and I are doing ot together and we keep eachother in check and it's fun to watch eachothers progress.

Now lets just hope next weeks update is just as positive. I may just throw the scale across the room if I gain it all back. Then you'll find me here cursing everything I just said.

Until next week..... here's to becoming a modern day MILF one point at a time.

pizza, ice cream and crap even beer!

2012-01-12T10:50:00.001-08:00

I forgot how much I loved this diet. Shoot, I barely consider it a diet because it's THAT easy. So here's the down low...

I am able to track this all on my iphone app and even better yet- I have an app that scans barcodes and gives you point values. Hello awesome!

Pigs in a Blanket: 5pts

6.7lbs!!

Now lets just hope next weeks update is just as positive. I may just throw the scale across the room if I gain it all back. Then you'll find me here cursing everything I just said.

Until next week..... here's to becoming a modern day MILF one point at a time.

A new year, new me and points for a cupcake

2012-01-06T04:30:00.001-08:00

HAPPY 2012!

I rang in the new year with a stethoscope around my neck, a sparkling cider toast and along with some of my favorite coworkers as we watched the clock dwindle down to the last seconds of 2011. I wished for a healthy year, a year for my Sister in Law and Husband to being home a baby, my sister to graduate from OSUand dammit to win the lottery. Holy Skittles over the rainbow would that not just be awesome!? I’m going with the “glass half full” game plan on that one- HA

With the New Year came a new diet. I’ve thrown in the towel to crash diets that shed pounds fast but then the second I look at a big cupcake, my pants don’t fit. Granted I have lost a good amount, I want to learn healthy long term eating. SO I signed up for Weight Watchers and I am actually doing the meetings- plan on hearing this new journey of mine. But this also means meal planning and grocery shopping ahead of time- something I can’t seem to get a grasp on previously. But don’t you all worry friends, my coupon virgin cherry has been popped (note picture above) I am damn well determined to make couponing a game to me which in hope inspires me to cook?! Hmmm… maybe. Because I’ll have an over abundance of food and ingredients and no excuses. Again, here I am rambling trying to convince myself I can be domestic.

I’ll report back after my first run.

And as the past 2 years, Chris and I restarted the Couch 2 5K program. I really am doing it to add my cookies, cupcakes and beer into my points since the more you work out- the more points you get. Come on, I am not the only one….

I worked the first 3 nights of the New Year, plus the last 2 of last year- giving me 5 nights in a row- 60 hours in 5 days. I was just DYING to spend time with Chris and CC. No he’s not walking yet- but very soon.

And Florida got one kick ass cold snap. The kind that left me shivering getting out of the shower, wearing scarves for warmth not fashion and frost on my car when I left work in the AM. I love that CC crawled up into his Any Wear Chair from PB with a throw to keep warm while watching Mickey.

I just love the freshness a New Year brings. New health, great weather and the hope that 2012 brings to my family and to all families needing a good year to find them.

2012 Resolutions. A girl can pretend

2011-12-30T06:25:00.000-08:00

It's that time of year again where we all make resolutions that 99% of us will fail. I'm not trying to be pessimistic, it's just the honest truth that I will probably set out to lose another 20lbs by exercising every morning. Well that will last all of 2 weeks- promised. Although this year I have convinced myself that I will lose another 15-20lbs by our Spring Break Cruise. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

So New Years Resolution #1

May it be the most CLICHE one out there, but dammit I want to fit into my 2008 clothes. You know, before back to back pregnancies having ravack (can't figure out how to spell this damn word) on my body. I would just LOVE to take all 47 pairs of my Spanx and burn them in a bomb fire as the smell of over worn spandex fills the air. How free-ing would that be?! Spanx have become such a staple in my wardrobe I have no idea how I would be without them. Sad I know. But this girl loves her shape wear. But to go without it and still feel good- FRREEEDOOOM!

So maybe I should make a twist on this most loved resolution. Instead of setting out to lose weight like every other overweight American out there on Jan 1st. I want to make it a resolution of mine to accept my body as is. If that means 175lbs or 155lbs, I need to learn to learn to love my body. It gave me 2 beautiful boys, my stretch marks shows my battle wounds and dammit if I have to wear spanx for the rest of my life, then so be it. I mean, how nice would it be if I didn't feel like I have to look at myself in the mirror and suck in every time I walk by? Who am I trying to over impress anyways? As long as I am not wearing hoochie terry cloth shorts with Princess displayed across my arse and a tube top 5 inches too short with no bra... then I'm cool, right?

Ok, so eat healthy, attempt to get active, try to lose some weight and accept that I will never be the girl with the purple and gold pom poms ever again. Embrace the chunk!

Ok, on to resolution #2.

ORGANIZATION. Ok Chris, Mom and Dad- take me seriously here:

We all know my brain does NOT do organization. I'm not talking about my desk being orderly or my closet being color coded. I am talking things like in my head. I swear it's like a Barnum & Baily circus up in there. Things I am talking about is when I schedule appointments for, where I put important documents. Did I ever mention that I lost our marriage license? Yea yea, we found it. But the fact that it is issued from Bermuda doesn't make it very easy to just go get another one. Anyways, back to things I need to organize in my life. Things such as paying bills on time, putting gas in my car before "zero miles", remembering diapers and wipes before we leave the house. I know, I sound scary.

(This is my closet on a good day, imagine every other day. It's a good representation of my brain)

I know this is far fetched, but I can try, right? And maybe just maaaaaybe, if I can be half as organized as I was before- maybe my house will show it too? I can see it now, shoes lined up outside, toys put away in the toy chest, pillows all lined up on the couch, throws folded, dishwasher empty, mailed sorted, and dinner cooking. Ok, I'm dreaming here.

But I should make it a resolution to cook more. I need to learn new recipes because I have a 27lb one year old and a 6'6" husband that I am pretty sure can not live off crock pot pot roast and sloppy joes for the rest of their life. I need to learn some new casseroles, things that all don't come out of box type things.

So there it is. Ashley's 2012 resolutions.

Get in shape and if not accept.
ORGANIZATION (still laughing)
Learn to cook

I'll report back next year and see what I actually accomplished. HA!

Christmas with one shoe and a piece of china for deviled eggs.

2011-12-27T07:00:00.000-08:00

We had Christmas in our new home this year. So awesome!

This meant I felt the need to decorate like crazy and attempt to set up a dining room in a matter of a week. OH and plan Christmas dinner. I did it, with the help of others- Thank you Dad, Aunt Mary, Mom, Elaine and of course Chris. I already had most the decorations done, and yes I totally "super glued" 3M hooks to the stucco outside to hang my Pintrest inspired garland. I may or may not have told Chris it's removable. I guess we will find out this week when I take it down. Other wise I will have to make deco mesh garland for every freaking holiday.

So back to Christmas. It was SO much more fun when you have a baby, it's more exciting. We all know the "Reason for the Season" and that's important to me and trust m e I have definitely had my chance the past few years to reflect on that but this year not only felt like a celebration but the excitement of starting our own traditions with CC was the best. I'd be lying if I said no one ate the cookies left out for Santa on Christmas Eve. My ass woke up at 4am hungry and ate the whole damn plate. That's right, add those pounds to my behind, I have until the 27th to eat like a Queen. Then my sisters leave and we have aprox. 2.5 months to lose some holiday weight plus some before our next cruise. Cruise. Yea I said it... We all got a surprise family cruise for Christmas from my Aunt. You should have seen the faces on my sisters face when they opened that present. AHHHH! I can't wait!!!!

P.S. I start Weight Watchers this week... who wants to join with me?

OK so back to Christmas (can you tell I am unmedicated tonight) I can even finish typing a sentence before I start thinking of the next thing in my brain.

So Chris and I played Santa the night before. We spent Christmas Eve at my Father in Law's house eating a full Christmas Eve dinner, stuffed our faces only to come home to a boat load of unwrapped gifts and make Santa cookies. So we sat on the family room floor till Midnight wrapping up the last of the gifts, which felt so good knowing we have CC to wake up in the morning to terrorize the place.

Speaking of, here he his himself who decided to wake up mimicking the Grinch until he found Mickey Mouse (see video)

We went to Mass which I dressed CC in a typical Christmas outfit, long sleeve button up plaid shirt, khakis, sweater vest and one shoe- because I couldn't find his other dress shoe. Then Chris caught on and asked why he had one shoe on. Ummmm.... he must have kicked it off. Yet secretly my train of thought was people at church would think... "oh Miss, I think your baby lost a shoe"

Ohhhh YES, "OH NO, he must have" darnit.

Hey at least it would look like he HAD shoes on when we left the house. My brain works backwards people.

OH so back to my story- I dress him in this outfit, walk to church in 80 degree weather and then almost lose grip of the stroller that WOULD have gone piling strait down a ditch filled with black water. AHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Thankfully we made it all 11yrds to the church, but poor CC had already broke a sweat. Seriously clothing people- make some flipping Florida Christmas outfits that can sustain this 85 degree temperature and while you're at it- make some Halloween ones too. Putting my kid in a fur covered lion suit is just not practical. Thank you very much.

We were able to get these 2 pictures by the manger he so gracefully slept in last year as Baby Jesus. Ahhh Baby Jesus... he was sooooo tiny last year. Oh CC found out that he can slip under the pew and greet the people behind him. This is all while I am trying to catch him by the feet before he makes it 100% of the way through. Sorry folks that sat behind us.

You may notice I am sporting the same dress as last year. One year later I am proudly rocking a maternity dress. I love the dress too much not to wear it. Chris would have been in this picture had he been a sport and come up front, but the guy hates pictures. After 9 years, I just accept that about him.

BUT I was able to get this picture of US right before dinner. We were celebrating our new dining room. Which for the past 9 months has sat empty with no light fixtures and boxes of diapers, odds and ends and left over unused baby toys.
This past week I painted the accent wall, we picked up my Grandma's 45 year old dining set that I have accepted as a gift from my Aunt and ALSO got her beautiful Danube Blue China. Like the WHOOOOOLE set. There's pieces I have no idea what to do with- I took out the plate that goes under the thing that holds the stew/soup and I thought it was for deviled eggs. Until my Aunt laughed and said nooooooooo, Ashley.

The joys of growing up. I remember being at the kids table and here I am 28 years later setting up my own table to feed everyone else. I may serve deviled eggs on a piece of china meant for something else, but at least you know your in for a good laugh at my house.

It was a great Christmas, the whole family (CC's Aunt's and Uncle) are in town and we were all able to be together. There wasn't a minute that Nolan, Charlie and Brice were not thought of, we had a blessing at each dinner wishing they were here.

Merry Christmas and until next year.....

On CC's birthday, he ate through one sloppy joe. Or was it 2?

2011-12-23T04:09:00.000-08:00

I couldn't help myself, I totally planned CC's birthday party of the sole reason he loves to eat. So yes, The Very Hungry Caterpillar book was center stage at the big party and thanks to Pintrest- my kitchen was transformed into pages of the book.

Don't even get me started on ~~crack~~ pintrest. I had to have pinned 345 caterpillar cakes, 209 decoration ideas, 67 of those just the party hat alone and let's throw in some party favor pins. NOW, here's the problem- I want to do it all! Ok fine, no big deal until you start one thing, start another, forgot what you started and then get frustrated because it doesn't go your way. That's when I would find myself back on pintrest looking for a new pin to try out.

Needless to say, pintrest + ADD = disaster

Anywho,

The kids showed up, blow up house was the main attraction (adults and kids)

and I made my famous sloppy joes- because in this household, the caterpillar eats through one sloppy joe. Note the crying baby in above picture: he wanted his damn sloppy joes.

I ~~made~~ slaved the cake, because well once again- Pintrest had too many cool ideas. I took the challege on, I come from a family of bakers I should be able to handle a box cake.

2 box cakes later, I had a 6 layer rainbow cake, a mess in my kitchen and rainbow food coloring staining my new shirt. BUT at least I had one kick ass cake. Right?

Ahhh I still can't believe that is my baby boy turning 1!

Gifts were open, I am pretty sure I could open a museum of Vtech toys. CC was more interested in a string of ribbon and I had two helpers crawling on top of me dying to "help" open the next present.

Who knew opening birthday presents caused one to break a sweat. See below: The most attractive photo snapped of me of the day. Pure hotness!

Note, random child still crawling on top of me and the present are all gone. Love you D! I actually think he was helping me clean up paper- I think.

I have to say- all the effort & pointless projects and hours slaved over pintrest- it was all 110% worth it. I look back now and I would have been happy with a cake and candle and ok the bounce house too. Can't forget the bounce house.

Happy Birthday CC!

Birthday candles

2011-12-10T18:40:00.001-08:00

I remember those nights I laid in my bed with dreams of reaching milestones that were tugging on my heart so deeply at the time. The tears ran down my cheeks as I asked God why I wasn't reading a bed time story to my baby or why I wasn't planning a birthday party and even wished I was picking up a house of clutter if it meant a choatic toddler was dancing around.

I was sitting there tonight kissing those chubby rosey cheeks that have been flushed with sugar from a 7 layer rainbow birthday cake and reading "If you give a Pig a Party" and this calm wave of peace and thankfulness just brushed my shoulder. For a split second I felt like I was in my dreams, ones that 2 years ago felt like something that was so unreachable.

The pain was so raw, so deep and that very pain has made me the person today that takes small & simple moments so perfect in my heart. I hugged him tight after I shut the book and that little sucker patted my back- like he knew the whole time I was reading that story that he knew my thoughts. Or maybe he just liked the book, I mean it is a book about CC pig that has a party and well that's what we had just wrapped up today.

This week has been such a milestone. We woke up on the 5th and sang Happy Birthday to one awesome little 1 year old. We threw a birthday party (more to come on that) which just happened to be on the 2 year anniversary since my Dad's aortic valve replacement and he's still ticking.

So people. 1 year. It feels like just yesterday we brought him home. But here we are 1 year later making Mickey Mouse funfetti pancakes for breakfast and singing Happy Birthday to one special little boy. Lucky little kid.

The weather was perfect so we took a stroll at the park in his sweet new ride (which I apparently didn't get a picture of) But it's a wagon, one with an umbrella and cooler and seat belts. Oh man, did he look like a king sitting in that beast, he loved it!

Ahhhh how did he grow this fast?!

We stopped at the perfect spot for a mini un-photo shoot (2 minutes of making myself look like a fool trying to get him to sit semi still & look at camera) of the impossible to shoot baby. Props to photographers that shoot one year olds. It's NOT easy. The kid is in the lens fact before I have time to focus.. damn you child. Did I mention this kid crawls at lighting speed? Not a walker yet, but convinced it will happen any day.

We ended the night at our favorite little family owned Italian resturant. Just the 3 of us. Chris and I toasted to "One Year and to 17 more" this is while CC was throwing pieces chicken parm on the floor and laughing at himself.

Happy Birthday little boy. Since one year and for the next 18- I will start your birthday with a candle and end with one. Why? Because it's my kick ass idea and a new tradition. I also will promise funfetti pancakes every year and if you don't want them- I'm making them anyways- because I WANT THEM. GOD THEY WERE AMAZING.

Happy Birthday CC!!

Happy 1st Birthday (video)

2011-12-05T04:52:00.001-08:00

Dear CC,
A year ago today your Dad and I stared at you in complete amazement & pure shock and unsure of what to do next with you. The past 365 days, you have grown from a 5lb little bundle all swaddled to perfection to a 27lb solid and 100% BOY and we absolutely LOVE it. Your easy going personality has made you a dream baby as if you weren't one already but you are becoming one inquisitive, curious and very hungry little one year old.

GOD you just LOVE food, all food, not one single thing you have turned down...

I love how your eyes light up and you dance when you hear Mickey come on TV or how you give kisses with an open mouth and how you pat our backs when you give us hugs. I love how you say Mama or Dad and Heeeeeeeeeey! Where has this past year gone? I know that is so cliche to say but it really does feel like it was just yesterday that we brought you home absolutely clueless. We've slowly packed away all your baby gear and tiny clothes and replaced them with dump trucks, cars and balls, oh how you love to throw balls!

I'm so curious on where this next year will take us, the things yo will learn and the little person you will become. You are just so awesome, no words can be put together to describe the feeling you give us on a daily basis. You put a patch over our broken hearts the day you were born, you taught us to love even more and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't look at you and marvel and wonder how I bet you and your big brother would look alike.

You're a special little boy CC, an answered prayer and one huge blessing to our family.

Happy 1st Birthday! Now let's get off this computer and make some Funfetti pancakes for breakfast in the shape of Mickey heads!! Mmmmmmm!!!!

Love,
Your Mom

And to make your ovaries quiver, here is a whole bunch of sweetness over the past year, all 10 whoping minutes. I couldn't help myself.

Confessions of a casual Black Friday shopper

2011-11-29T03:31:00.001-08:00

Black Friday. I hate you. You are a nightmare to my brain.I had no intentions of doing the whole Black Friday thing, I thought I had no desire to stand in line to save a few dollars. That was until I was sitting at home, boys were sleeping and I knew I had nothing else better to do that night than lay on the couch and catch up on DVR because us night shifters have no other life in the middle of the night than watch reruns of the Slap Chop and Pedi Egg.

"If you call NOW (3:56am) in the next 19 seconds, you will not only get a Slap Chop for 3 easy payments of $9.99 BUT you will get 12 Slap Chops for the price of one"HOLY cow pie!! That is BETTER than Black Friday, WTH was I thinking?!

So why not, the stores are opening at Midnight AND there were a few, and I mean FEW things that caught my eye. I think I was just more excited there was stores other than Walmart open at my time of night for once and I had something to kill time.

So may plan of attack: Target, Kohls, Bealls. I left it up to CC to plan out my Black Friday attack, as you see he knew exactly what to do with those ads. STOMP all over them!

11:25pm, I find myself in the Target parking lot staring at the growing line and thinking to myself WTF am I doing?! What did I REALLY need at Target that I just HAD to have. Nothing. Plus there is no way in hell I can wait for 30 minutes for this store to open, I'M BORED!

SO 5 minutes later I find myself across the street at Bealls accessing the parking lot and huge line outside the door. With 10 minutes to spare to Midnight and my lack of patience, I decided to drive to Kohls and start there. I figured by time I got there, it's be open and no hassle getting in.

HOLY HELL! People! Get a grip!

It's a freaking pillow and towel half off! These idiots were wrapped around the building twice. Maybe I was missing something. So I go in, with no particular thing to buy but get trampled by 300 desperate housewives trying to buy every kitchen platter/bake ware and utensil in stock. They would frantically run people over with their carts stocked so high they couldn't see over them like a 93 year old driving.

Watch it people!I grab my basket, pick out a few ornaments -seriously what person goes "window shopping" for random things on BLACK FRIDAY?- ME!

I'm making my way to the other side of the store when my basket jumps out of my hands and side sweeps the table in the middle of the aisle holding 80 some odd candle vases. (Don't ask me who's brainy idea that was to strategically place that there. But you know what happens next...

CRASH!

Glass everywhere! People walking over it, people watching in disgust at me while all I want to do is hide. I was honestly waiting for the thunderous clap- You know, the one they do at the restaurant when a waiter drops the plate. But nothing.

Shit, that would have been better than the under the breath comments coming from passer buyers and evil stares from people wondering why I am not licking it up for crying out loud. So here I am on the floor of Kohls with crazy people practically crawling over me as I sweep the glass under the table with my shoes. I was SO having that dog with tail between legs moment.

Finally someone shows up to save the day, I apologize for the loss of $13.99 and go on with my business. What do you expect- glass in the middle of the aisle on Black Friday. Sorry.So I left. The line wrapped around the store to check out turned me off.

So back to Bealls, then back to Kohls (yes I wanted that damn ornament), the unmentioned store where husbands gift came from, then best friend begs me to join her at Old Time Pottery as soon as she gets off at 6. Which turned into Toys R Us, Michaels and Old Navy.

Did I mention I was delirious by Old Time Pottery, a metal chicken even looked like a good buy!

Finally went to bed around 11am. Did I mention I only slept 3 hours the day before when I got off work before Thanksgiving festivities started. I'm still trying to figure out what someone drugged me with that made me want to try this Black Friday crap, then to stay out till 11am only to have to work that night and the next 3?!

So here I am, Black Friday casual shopper survivor on 3 hours of sleep. Will I do it next year, ahhh NO! I'll stay home and throw back some Pinot while I watch all my friends FB status' of ridiculous lines and pepper spray fights over some sale towels.

Siiiiigh.

I just don't have the patience or grace to deal with that chaos. Obviously.

So where have I been this past week? Recovering. Worked 3 nights in a row following my Black Friday mess and now here I am blogging at 5am because the baby is still asleep and my attention span is at a peak to sit still for more than 3 minutes.

No joke.

What the vlog? I forgot.

2011-11-23T01:40:00.001-08:00

Attempt #1 at "vlogging'

3 hours later, I am still trying to remember out what made me want to vlog in the first place.

For the love of my ADD. This is unscripted folks, it's semi disturbing seeing how scatter brained I am. Poor Chris.

And yes, our spare closet is my new blogging home. It's just too big to be wasted space and as Ash V says, life is good when you have a window in your closet. Yup, I need to pick out new curtains for my 'office window'

Think Chris will be mad when he sees I cleaned the closet out onto the spare bedroom bed? Naw...

Withdrawal sign #947

2011-11-19T03:53:00.001-08:00

Sign #947 that an individual is going through cruise withdrawal

Coming home from work, pouring a glass of vino and taking a bath with your kids blow up version of the Ruby Princess.

It's as close as this girl is going to get.

Home Sweet Home

2011-11-16T20:55:00.001-08:00

There's nothing like walking into your home after a week vacation and smelling the aroma of pumpkin pie plug ins or crawling into crisp clean cool sheets or using a toilet that doesn't sound like it's having a seizure every time you flush. Yes the joys of cruising, toilets.
Maybe I am pushing it a bit, I would take that 12x12 cabin any day if it was offered to me again.

But in all honesty, for the first time in 11 cruises, we were happy to be HOME. Granted the big boat is our home away from home, sharing a cabin with a 11 month old terrorist who find bras and underwear in a drawer way more amusing than his 300 toys, makes for a long week. But a week I wouldn't trade for the world.

We traded in our nights in the night club for nights where we retired to our cabin early with a sleeping baby and had drinks out on our balcony while CC slumbered away in the closet. Yes, closet. I have no shame, we put the pack n play in the cabin's closet, it's an open long space that fit the pack n play perfect. Hey it worked.

We spent more time in the buffet than we did at the pool. What can I say, my kid eats like a 300lb man and I can't keep food on his plate long enough before he shoves it in his mouth. This though became a problem for Chris and I. CC had to eat at least 3 times a day, full meals, highchair pulled up to the table, full on scene. Which in turn made Chris and I eat full and I mean food falling off full plate of food each setting. Thus adding many inches to our waistline. No big deal, right?

HA! I brought one formal dress. My favorite one, the pink flowers and jewels make me feel like I am dancing on top of the world when I ~~slip~~ squeeze it on. I knew it was a tight fit, a tad tighter than last cruise. But dammit- I didn't care- I have to go to at least ONE formal night this cruise. I made sure we went to the first formal night in the cruise so I fit in my dress, wore my best pair of Spanx and made mental notes not to bend over to grab baby out of stroller. Because goodness would I burn some eyes with my hot nude colored Spanx hanging out of the back of my dress. Shoot, I already rolled up the legs enough so they didn't show at all.

Too bad I looked down at dinner and saw this.

No wonder the waiter kept asking if I wanted more bread.

No another napkin please because this first one isn't covering this mad mess!

But hey, who cares when you're famous on the ship. OK, well I lie. But much to our surprise we found our wedding photo still hanging out in the photo gallery. I had to resist the urge to tell everyone walking by how cool we are. Yea, we are losers because this friends was a huge highlight of our trip.

But then again, we are the dorks that went out to the deck we were married on and did a .083 second replay for the one photo op.

2008

2011

Then

Now

So much has happened in the past 3 years, had you told me that very day that we would go through what we did and be able to stand in that very spot 3 years later and reply a kiss, I would have laughed in your face. But we did it, we live our life for Nolan, we strive to be the best parents for CC and dammit we are still going to cruise.

To be continued: How we cruised with a baby.....

Bon Voyage

2011-11-05T12:52:00.001-07:00

I can really tell it took 2.5weeks to refill my ADD meds, I haven't blogged, I start one post and forget to finish and before I know it- we are leaving on vacation.

We have 8 checked bags, stroller, pack n play and I even remembered my bras. Go me! But seriously, I used to LOVE packing for a cruise- the formal dresses, outfit and SHOES and for whatever reason packing made me feel like it was finally cruise time. But throw an 11 month old packing into the mix and holy freaking cow! That kid is now prepared to be Gilligan if need be. Phew.

No bikinis made it into the suitcases this time around- I'd be insane if I had any hope fitting Into those things. And oh god the eye sores if I even tried. I'll stick to the one piece swim dresses and spanx bathing suits. GOD SEND!
Speaking of Spanx, I packed 4-5 pairs. Sad I own that much but damn do I FEEL skinny when I shivy those suckers up. Thank heavens.

So I'm on a blogging vacation for the next week, I have a few posts in mid draft that will just have to wait till I get home.

So close your eyes, imagine sunshine and pretend to feel a sea breeze all while laying out in the middle of the ocean with a hot foreign cabana boy delivering you a Piña Colada and seducing you in his sultry accent.....

Off to sail the Eastern Caribbean for the next week- see you on the flip side!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Yabba Dabba DOOOOO! 10.31.11

2011-11-02T21:13:00.001-07:00

When we drove through our neighborhood on what happened to be Halloween 2.5 years ago and noticed the numerous decorations, kids flooding the streets and parents outside setting up for the nights festivities- I was sold. THIS is where we had to live.

Never in a million years did I think we would be sitting out on our driveway in that very same neighborhood celebrating Halloween as we did this year. We made it!

2011 marked CC’s 1st Annual Trick or Teat Costume Party with all his friends and it turned out perfect! I wanted to make a tradition among friends and family that OUR home was the place to spend Halloween.

So here are a few things I learned this Halloween:

1. Pumpkin Patches in Florida SUCK. Apparently a tent in a church parking lot is suffice or even a few pallets of Pumpkins in a local park is something to get excited about. WTH Florida?!

2. Granted I was over zealous finding and buying decorations for our new house- I could have saved a crap ton of money had I waited until November 1st. But what fun is that? I don’t want to look like the party pooper on the street, I mean it was Chris and I hanging pumpkin lights with thumb tacks in the palm tree as the clock struck midnight on Halloween Eve. Procrastinate much?

3. If you are planning a Trick or Treat Party like CC did this year, think ahead and order the pizza very early and make sure they get the order. Unless you want to spend an hour trying to get a hold of Dominos after half your order never processed online. Awesome. We never did get the 2nd half of our order.

4. Gone are the days of poodle skirts, ghosts and Dorothy and in with the 8th graders across the street Trick or Treating in sports bras and glow paint. I kid you not, it was the theme of the night- slutty costumes.

5. Even if your kid is in a stroller- Don’t forget the pumpkin & GET THAT CANDY. I skipped each house since I forgot CC’s pumpkin at home . I kindly declined candy thinking we had enough candy left over to fill me up for the rest of the week. Only to find out we ran out of Candy, all $50 worth and ended up stealing left over candy from the neighbor to finish the night out.

6. Life has changed for us and I love it. 6 years ago Chris was the Jolly Green Giant wearing green tights and a green felt dress, I dressed up as a 50’s girl who’s costume looked the size of a kindergartners and my best friend sported the all black pleather Cat Women costume. And 6 years later we are hanging out in a driveway passing out candy and all have kids to dress up now. How times have changed and I couldn’t be more thankful.

7. The best way to spend Trick or Treat is with your friends- stroller gating in the driveway with juice boxes and cold beer.

8. No matter how obvious your costume may be, some people just don’t have enough brain cells to figure it out. Come on people, Betty Rubble and Bam Bam! Yaaabbba Dabbba Do!

My heart feels ready

2011-10-21T17:44:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to feel ready.

Ready to conquer fears and pursue my dreams.

I know it's going to be a process and take a lot of work, but I know I can do it.

My mom always said "Don't tell Ashley she can't do anything because she will prove you wrong"

Granted, no one is telling me I can't do this- it's my broken heart that had held me back.

It's been 2.5 years and my heart is telling me to go forth. This won't be an overnight change, that's for sure but I am ready to put 100% into my dreams. Dreams that got put on hold the night Chris and I watched our Nolan code in front of our very eyes.

I'm ready to start the process of becoming a NICU RT. I've wanted this long before Nolan ever happened, and it was suppose to happen. It's actually what I went into Respiratory for, I have a lot of learning and preparation to do aside from the emotional perspective.

It took me 2 years to even step foot back into the NICU after that night, but when I did- it felt good. A bittersweet feeling I guess you could say.

So in the meantime, I am currently working on a new project involving the NICU and I know it's something I have a calling for and it's something I can do in Nolan's memory. It's also the first of may steps to prepare me to accomplish my dreams. I plan on sharing this all with you when it becomes official, hopefully very soon.

I'm putting myself on a 2 year plan. I have a lot of re-learning to do so I am as close to ready as possible. Working in the world of adults for 5.5 years leaves you pretty rusty on things in teeny tiny land. I'm putting my mind to this. I need this. I can do this.

This is what Nolan would want for me, he gave me a perspective that only a handful have and I want to use that to help others.

Ok, so there it is, no going back- it's blogged. Oh and I can't wait to share this new project so stay tuned!!

Oh Mummy... wrap me up baby!

2011-10-19T21:34:00.000-07:00

Burn those inches. I'm going to admit I have taken to the extreme in attempting to lose weight this past week in wedding preparation. Okay not weight, but inches.

ZOMG, I can not believe I am going to blog this. Seriously.

Well lets just get it out there by saying Val's wedding was my goal to have all my weight lost. I lost 23lbs in about 90 days, with the help of a no carb diet. But as the wedding approached, I was to the point that maybe a few more inches wouldn't hurt. Which is why I broke down and purchased the....

Body Wrap GROUPON.

Yup, it was $49 and a guarantee of 6-20 inches lost. SOLD. I hit that purchase button so fast I'm surprised I didn't re-crack my iphone. Oh wait- my iphone was still shattered- I'm sure my purchase didn't help.

Anywho...

So I called Slender Life and made my trusty appointment for a few days pre-wedding. I made a few jokes about this new endevour to the girls at work, especially after I learned they make you dance after being wrapped. Oh good lord.

Well I am here to blog to say it was quite possibly the most RIDICULOUS and humiliating thing I have EVER EVER done. I can't believe I passed up having lunch with family to do this joke.

I find the location which is conveniently located in the old semi ghetto area of our town, I pull up and think to myself... God I better freaking lose 20 inches for dis shiiiit.

I walk in the doors and to my left is a living room, just like any normal living room in any given house. A TV from 1995, a few exercise bands and balls and a large women wrapped in ace bandages with a red super hero cape dancing to Richard Simmons or something of the like.

Again, WTF did I sign up for?

But I couldn't pull myself away with the 20 inch loss dangling over my head. They have me sign some papers, ask me what areas I would like them to concentrate on. How about my whole damn body- that's what I am here for.

They took me back to a little room where I dressed down to my skivvies while the wrap technician (is that what they would be called) transformed me into a mummy in all of 5 minutes. Then she broke out the plastic bags on my feet rubber banded to my ankles and stylish red crocs were slid on like Cinderellas glass slipper. OH and for some reason, I didn't get the big red cape- I was given a bath robe. But dammit, the red cape would have made this story 100 times better.

And then I had directions. Yes strict instructions to go join the party in the "living room" and the more exercise I did, the more inches I would lose. Alright- I got this.

So here I am, hysterically laughing taking discreet pictures of myself and sending them to Chris swearing to him that this BETTER work for something and in return I get a text back that he was going to pee his pants laughing. Yes, I am sure this is just how he pictured his wife getting skinny...oh so sexy.

So with out further ado, here I am bring sexy back in all it's glory.

45 minutes of Richard Simmons Let's Get Physical dancing I was able to shed the wraps for a total loss of 8 inches. Or something like that.

Will I ever do it again... HELL NO! But come on, admit it- I'm pretty damn sexy in this get up- huh?

My Best Friends Wedding.

2011-10-19T19:41:00.000-07:00

After 558 days of wedding planning..... I mean engagement- My best friend got all dolled up and married her man. Talk about one kick ass wedding. I may or may not have had one too many long island ice teas to celebrate the occasion! I have been tied up in wedding parties, wedding plans, appointments and craft nights that I have neglected my blog this past month but my best friend is 100% worth it.

I'm here, I'm back and have a lot on my mind so be ready.

But what would a wedding post be with no pictures? I of course had my camera and did what I could on top of being her "Bridesmaid-zilla"

Her boys

Congrats to my bestest friend, you were absolutely stunning and your wedding was absolutely divine!

10.15

2011-10-14T23:26:00.000-07:00

3 years ago, October 15th was just another day in the books. No extra thought was put into it, just wake up, live, go to bed.

3 years later, I wake up and think about my Nolan (like every single day) and all the others babies gone too soon, I live my day missing what could have been and I end my day by lighting my candle that is the wave around the world.

Today, I encourage you to reach out to a friend who may have been affected by infant loss or miscarriage and remind them that you think of them and/or their babies often. Most the time, that's all us Mom's want to hear-

remembrance.

Everything but the snout.

2011-10-10T12:41:00.000-07:00

Waltzing in to the room freshly dressed in something other than scrubs or pajamas and sporting my one size too small spanx.

Me: Uggggh I feel like a stuffed sausage in this outfit.

Chris: Well you may feel like a stuffed sausage but you look like a 99% Fat Free Hebrew National Hotdog.

Me: This is why I married you

Gasping for air from the gut laugh.

2011-10-06T22:51:00.000-07:00

Dear America's Funniest Video's,

My kid is pretty freaking hilarious. I know I am one of the 3,978,891 Mom's out there thinking THIS is THE video to win $10,000 on one of your weekly shows. But come on, you know you're going to push replay on this video after watching it the first time, it's that addictive. His laugh is absolutely contagious and yes I know deep down in my heart this is a winning video.

Love,

Ashley

My kid eats off the floor, MOY #2

2011-10-01T09:11:00.000-07:00

As I sat down on the floor for snack time, I promise you I thought in my head that I wish CC's butt could still fit in a bumbo with a tray. The highchair is in the other room and hand feeding him puffs is just annoying. I popped open the can as CC's eyes lit up and his feet started kicking because omgit'spuffs-feedmemom!

Apparently, CC hasn't eaten in days and had to have the entire container. So I did what any Mom would do, hand swept what I could back in and let the kid go to town.

He literally shoveled them into his mouth.

Off the floor.

He was in Heaven, puff Heaven.

Puffs were stuck in places that I am sure he will find later and eat, usually his little neck roll.

Ok ok, I'm just kidding. But the kid does store food somewhere and I haven't figured his secret out yet.

And yes, after the puff feast- I was even a cooler Mom and let the dog eat the rest off the floor.

I rock.

10 year reunion

2011-09-29T04:26:00.001-07:00

10 years ago, 1 week after I donned the purple gown and walked across the stage to receive my diploma- I moved.

I moved 1,000+ miles away, to a new home my parents built, to a new state, a new everything. And boy was I pissed! My boyfriend, my BFFL’s, my 89 Summerset Buick, my job- you know at the ripe age of 17 everything is “totally forever” and god forbid my parentals try to screw that up.

Granted, here I am 10 years later with the kick ass (Florida Cracker) husband, great career, new home and a chunky baby occupying our time. For the most part, It’s been a good 10 years and needless to say Florida has treated me well. (Nolan & Charlie are not in that equation)

So when asked if we were going to make the trip up to the reunion….. Why the hell not?!

I know it’s all cliché and stuff NOT to go to a 10 year reunion especially with the social networking in our day in age, but I didn’t care. I mean come on, I had to throw back to this sexiness! Vintage Ashley 2001.

Of course I wanted to see the peeps I haven’t seen in over 10 years, granted FB already keeps us connected. I wasn’t popular by any means and I would be lying if I denied being nervous that no one would remember me or visa versa. On the other hand there were a few people that I was never real close to in school, and if you told me I would be excited to see them at the reunion 10 years ago- I would have a confused face. Not because I didn’t like them, I just wasn’t close to them. But those are the people that came out of the woodworks after losing Nolan and really left an impression on my heart. (cue sappiness) Funny how 10 years can change a whole lot.

It was hilariously funny to see the guy the had a crush on me since 2nd grade, I was convinced he would have me on one of those Maury type shows as “Look at me now” and he would be some male dancer grinding on me while I had the look of amazement. Ok ok, I’m getting carried away. I will say, throwing alcohol into the mix kept the party interesting, granted I behaved myself but it sure did make for some great conversation.

We had a blast! Even Chris who wasn’t dying to go like I was even had a great time, evidenced by his duet performance. Ironically, these two husbands were the two who DIDN’T go to Hononegah.

So Thank You to the Class of 2001 for making our trip worthwhile. God to honest truth, I needed some good ole Midwest, a trip down memory lane, a real Midwest football game (more on that high expectation later) and definitely some Culvers. Can’t.forget.about.Culvers.

This is not our entire class, we have to be missing 300 that were either too cool to come, too cheap or just plain old couldn’t make it. Although there was a good amount of our group in the bar watching football- like my husband who made his claim to fame in my reunion by shouting “GO GO GO GO… YYYEEEESSSSSS!” (yeeea, he’s with me)

Until next time… 10 more years

Because sometimes Monday's just suck

2011-09-26T04:45:00.000-07:00

So here's a smile.

Mom Cut 2011

2011-09-23T00:13:00.001-07:00

I don’t know what is wrong with my brain, but every time I see the Kardashian sisters- I am convinced my hair will look like theirs if I keep growing mine out. This is not a lie. So every time I chop my hair, I declare that I am growing my locks back out because ONE DAY- I will wake up and my hair will look THAT luscious.

((Sigh))

Wishful thinking.

I fully admit I spent the last 30 minutes trying to photo swap my face into a Kourtney Kardashian picture, but I scared my own self, so I will post a far away picture for your viewing pleasure.

I was starting to get sick of just whipping up my rats nest up into glorified messy bun and hoping I looked somewhat presentable. It took me 20 minutes to blow dry, another 20 to roll and then the second I walked out the door- FLAT! Have I mentioned how much I loathe Florida humidity.

It was time to get this mane chopped.

Last Friday morning we flew into Chicago (for my yet to be blogged reunion) where a dear blog friend happens to live. Laura and I have been dying to meet since winter of 2009 after we found each other on a preeclampsia message board. We both went through hell together and spent many of hours talking about our fears hopes and dreams. Here we are 2 years later, pre-e survivors, BLM’s and both raising 2 perfect little brothers. So I figured what better time to meet than make an appointment at her salon, fresh of the airplane and get the “Mom Cut” from only the best. I have to say, she rocked my hair.

Thank you Laura for making me feel pretty for my reunion. Thank you for our great conversation about our babies. Thank you for taking time out of your day to come meet us and most of all- Thank you for being the great supportive friend you have been the past 2 years.

P.S. I want to squeeze Carter’s cheeks!

My Mom Cut 2011

Every kid needs a stuffed animal with micro chip, right?

2011-09-21T23:09:00.001-07:00

I couldn’t help myself. CC had to have a Build A Bear. Yea yea, I know he won’t remember it and sure I had to convince Chris this was a must but I am so glad we did it for the pure fact I have some of the best pictures of CC making his first bear.

We went with the Koala Bear, named Wally Jr in honor of Chris’ child hood stuffed Koala named Wally. Wally was THE token he dragged everywhere and slept with every night. So we picked out the light grey, slightly larger than original Wally and went to town stuffing.

Best part… sent this picture to Chris’ Mom and her response…

“Looks like you need a paternity test, original Wally was Brown”

I threw a bridal shower folks & Pinterest was my brain.

2011-09-14T03:33:00.000-07:00

This weekend is finally over. OVER!

My bestest friend, like BFF4L, Valorie is finally getting married. You know, THE VALORIE that I have written about many of times. She made Nolan's video, she threw my baby shower that looked like it was strait from a magazine and most of all she keeps me from pulling my hair out. So I knew I had to throw her the best bachelorette party and bridal shower a girl could ask for.

So you may ask, how did I do?

Well, with the help of most the bridesmaids, Adderall and my bestie Pintrest- I think we kicked ass.

I'd tell you all about the Bachelorette Party that took place 2 nights before the shower, but then I would have to post R-rated pictures of a 6ft blow-up unmentionable (which got signed by Blake Shelton & Jarrod Neimon- thank you very much). Yes, I am not lying. The party consisted of a special chauffeur, tailgating and a concert under the stars.

2 days later, us ladies threw this together.

So with out further ado,

Valorie's Wine Tasting Bridal Shower

The do-it-yourself wine table. I found the wine barrels on Craigslist for a steal. We went with a burlap table cloth and a chalkboard runner, compliments of a pin I found on Pintrest.

Actually, here is my brain of the operation- my Pintrest board for the shower.

In the kitchen, we had the main dish, Baked Ziti and man did it taste divine! The table was covered in burlap & chantily lace, just perfect for the rustic wine charm I had envisioned. Those candles were inspired from a pin on pintrest that has been floating around also. I order a bunch of wine corks off eBay for cheap, used the vases, put a Yankee Candle inside and filled the space with corks. Wa-la... easy peasy.

Another inspiration found from Pintrest was chalkboard wine glasses. This was necessary considering we had 20+ attending the shower and would need a way to identify the glasses. We used Rustoluem chalkboard paint, Dollar Tree wine glasses (yes, the clerk ringing us out that day said she wanted to go where ever we were heading) and a chalkboard paint pen. The guests took these home as a favor along with their mason jar cupcakes which I failed to take a picture of.

The tables had flower center pieces with burlap runners and classy tin folding chairs.

Oh and I can't forget the white wine sangria recipe I found on Pintrest. O...M...G it was delish! I used 2 bottle of wine wine and 2 bottles of Fresca along with frozen bag of fruit and ladies and gents- we had heaven served in a glass. It was AH-MAZING!

Best Friends.

I had to throw in the infamous flamingo pose.

I'm not lying when I say I would do anything for this girl. I looked up to her when I started my career, I leaned on her when we lost Nolan, I held her hand through her sons last open heart surgery, she rushed to us when CC was born, and now I will be at her side when she gets married. 31 days left!!

The party was a hit! We did it girls! We threw a party only Val herself could throw! And she deserved that and more!!

5 Bags, no bra and Mom of the Year…

2011-09-06T03:52:00.001-07:00

We’re home. Home from one of the most interesting cruises we have ever been on. I am going to have a hard time putting into words what our last 4 days was like out on the great blue sea. Ahhhh yes, I should have known we were in trouble when I stood on the back of the ship and got the feeling we were being cropped dusted by a large blue & red whale. Something about that just weirded me out. Regardless, it was nothing a rum drink in a overpriced souvenir cup fancied with a paper umbrella can’t fix. Right?

Riiiiiiiiiiiight.

So yes, we ended up with 5 bags just for our cabin. I am pretty sure I packed every single thing we would need FOR THE BABY. He may or may not had some high heels shoved in his case. But yes, I may have brought 3 suits, 100 diapers, clothes to last a month and even an extra sheet for the crib they provided. But it wasn’t until the next morning that I realized, I forgot to pack bras. Yes. Go me. I made due, but I had to laugh at myself when I had 6 pairs of shoes to choose from but no bra. awesome.

CC was in LOVE. He has to go be the easiest baby to cruise with. Sit in stroller, eat, sleep… repeat. Sure he had unlimited amounts of food coming from every direction, endless girls falling out of their bikini tops and plenty of attention to keep him occupied.

First stop… Key West. We woke up around 6am before we even docked and perused up to Lido deck to watch the sunrise. There we met up with Aunt Maggie who was making her rounds trying to find a cup of coffee and food. Although I found out food is NOT available before 7am, I practically got my hand slapped while trying to sneak a chocolate muffin out of the buffet 10 minutes early. Seriously?! Any who.. Gpa & Nana found us out on Lido and we all watched us pull into port in our pajamas.

And friends, I fully admit… I officially won the “Mom of the Year” award. How you may ask?

It started at Hog’s Breath. Chris and Gpa wanted to stop for a drink because that’s where they all hung out on their “guys trip” a few years ago. Ok fine, we get it. But when we all walked in, the song “If I die young” came on, and between my sisters and Mom we flooded the bar out with tears thinking about how Charlie is missing from our group. So there goes the first round of drinks.

Our next stop was because Kelli just HAD to show us this one place she LOVED. Ahhhhh Irish Kevin’s… yes. I smell trouble. We wheel CC on in and the bartender shouts “Shots for Tots”

Yes. I’m racking up points to earn this Mother of the Year award. We stayed there until the place filled up with people and we figured it was time to move on. Keep in mind, it was only 11:30 in the morning.

Alright, so we start walking down Duval street peering into shops and making jokes when we stop dead in our tracks because OMGit’sFatTuesdays!!!! Let me give you some background. Our wedding cruise, we made some very fine memories at a Fat Tuesdays in Cozumel. It was a great time- so we couldn’t just pass up a slushy spiked with yummy rum.

And yes… it dawns on me… CC is bar hopping. Guilty. Go ahead judge. But hey, it was a family affair. Nana, Gpa, 3 aunts and his Mom & Dad were with him. We were “sight seeing.”

We all made it back to our ship safe and sound and mostly sober. We were back to hoarding food from the buffet and changing diapers… Just another typical afternoon with the baby aboard the Fun Ship.

To be continued……

Sailing away

2011-09-01T07:02:00.001-07:00

This is what packing for just a 4 day cruise, can't imagine what will take place for our 7 day in November. I blame the baby for my 75lb suitcase that Chris had the pleasure of bringing downstairs.

Adios friends, we're Cozumel bound...don't miss me too much!

Guest Blog: Beth Anne from The Heir to Blair

2011-08-31T05:04:00.000-07:00

Friends, meet Beth Anne aka BA

(Hiiiii Beth Anne..)

She lives inside my computer screen, somewhere north of Florida (totally wish we lived closer). We go back to the days of 1st Tri message boards and "siggy pics" over 2 years ago when I was pregnant with Nolan and she was housing wee Harrison. She was on her 2nd pregnancy and mine on my first. And here we are 2 years later missing our first's and thanking every blessings for our seconds and blogging through our emotional mountains. But there is that lingering thought... are we the only ones that remember our firsts?

Thank you BA for sharing your "emo and gloomy" feelings over here because well, we are allowed to have these days, thoughts and moments. It's just another example where I can say "me too".

There goes my "comical intro that I intended to write"... now lets all hug and sing "Kumbaya"

Visit BA over at Heir to the Blair where she her self admits she's a "Over-sharing extraordinaire", shares her journey with miscarriage, postpartum depression and raising Harrison.

....................................................................................................................

Lord, make me a rainbow
I’ll shine down on my mother
She’ll know I’m safe

with You when she stands under my colors
Oh, & life ain’t always what you think it ought to be
Ain’t even grey, but she buries her baby
~The Band Perry, “If I Die Young”
It has been almost three years since I lost my first baby & sometimes I worry that I am the only one who remembers how that joy of pregnancy & heartbreak of loss felt.

Three years later, I remember rolling over in bed that morning after joking to my husband that if I wasn’t pregnant this time, I did not know how anyone got pregnant. He shrugged & I gasped & held up the pregnancy test, saying “I think I am pregnant!” That little pink line flung open doors of my heart that I did not know existed & love flooded through my veins & heart until the little heart inside me also began beating with its own thump-thump rhythm.

Three years later, I remember lying back on the table, warm jelly & cold equipment pressed to my belly. My husband & I clasped hands through our smiles of joy, laughing over the tiny bean of life we created. Weeks of morning sickness & maternity jeans & a stroller chosen. A few scares, but always a reassuring heartbeat on the screen. We broke the happy news to family, friends, Facebook.

Three years later, I remember the terror gripping my heart as I stared at the blood, freely flowing. The tears in my voice as we rushed to the emergency room that dreary & cold Saturday morning, fitting for the events to take place. My tears flowed freely as the doctor confirmed that our baby, my baby that I had come to love so fiercely, was gone. The cramps & contractions ripped through my lower half as my heart split in two, but I laid back on the operating table & thanked both God & the doctor for the medicine to drag me under, away from the pain.

Three years later, I remember lying on the couch with a laptop perched on top of blankets & pillows. My fingers frozen as my mind wheeled, but my heart spilled onto the pages of the Internet & I labeled it “Empty.” I was empty. Alone. Terrified. Horrified. Angry. Hours spent in the shower, sobbing my grief & anguish despite a doctor’s assurance that the tiny life I carried had been very sick & this was “for the best.”

Time passed, snow fell heavy one weekend & three weeks later, we found ourselves expecting another baby. With steady joy but unsteady hearts, my husband & I relived pregnancy but this time, the same doctor that placed her hand upon my tear-filled cheek in the emergency room stood at the foot of the bed, holding my newly-born son. I cradled him, who we named Harrison, & felt that he was the greatest gift, bought at the highest price. Without losing our first baby, we would not have our beautiful, wild boy.

But it’s this same truth of the heart that turns my heart to my first baby, wondering if I am the only one that remembers that sweet life, cherishes the moments, rather than negating the loss for the gift of Harrison. Maybe it’s simply the heart of a mother to count all her little ones the same.

2am

2011-08-25T23:12:00.001-07:00

New candles + pintrest on iPad + jet bath= one very relaxed me.

Surprisingly no Apple gadgets we're destroyed in the making of this instagram. And yes, I ghetto rigged a waterproof cover for my iPad. (takes a bow)

Gate night. Frick.

2011-08-17T03:04:00.000-07:00

I debated on weather to share this little adventure tonight or not. But considering I spent the entire debacle laughing while Chris slammed his head into the steering wheel repeadily, I just have to.

The original plan was for me to wake up for work, kiss baby and husband good bye and work for 12 hours. That all changed when work called me off since we are in our slow season. Being that we are married, been together over 9 years (has it been 9 or 8?) and just had a baby- we didn't take advantage of it and turned it into a chore, errand and OMG we need to go buy baby gates type of night.

After chasing the baby around for a mere 20 minutes, I declared it was time that we needed to go buy baby gates. It was time to make this place into Fort Knox.

So let me set the scene-
I had to switch the huge convertible car seat to my car because Chris' truck has yard waste in the bed of the truck Switching it in 95+ temps makes it feel like you just did 5 zumba workouts in a row.

Chris on the other hand was dealing with the baby and strapping him in while I ran into grab my cell and purse. I saw that he didn't grab the diaper bag, but I wasn't going to either- it wasn't packed. Shoot, all I need is a diaper and wipes and those fit snugly into my purse. Wam Bam- out of here.

Do I need to bring a bottle? Naw, Chris was 2 seconds away from honking the horn to tell me to hurry it up. I did switch my shoes 3 times, couldn't locate my cell phone and had to find the wipes. Plus he did just eat at 4. He will be JUST fine. I have puffs in the car, it's only a trip to Babies R Us.

We bought 2 baby gates at Babies R Us, and since Target is next door I wanted to run in to grab a smaller pair of shorts considering mine are falling off me. I should be walking around holding my crotch like all the 'cool kids' at the mall to keep those suckers up.

My Target trips are never an in and out. UNLESS you're with Chris. He rushes me. Anyone else have that problem? He doesn't get the "I wanna walk the back aisles to find usless crap" that is 30-50% off. Or the "what new outfits do the have now" or the "let's go look at the toy aisle." So we left, plus CC wasn't happy. I already opened the box of Mum Mum crackers to keep him quiet as we headed for the check out.

I don't even know what time it was by time we got to the car.

We packed up, buckled up the kid. I took 3 min to find my cell phone and keys at the bottom of my purse and handed the keys to Chris.

Turn of the ignition- no start. Repeat. Repeat again. No luck. Just flashing dashboard with every try and a louder cry from the baby bc that chunk is HUNGRY.

Chris: 4 letter word (turns ignition again with desperation)
Me: Well....at least we are at Target. What do we need, water for the battery?
Chris: Doubt it.
Me: New battery?
Chris: Who the hell knows. (tries again for the 15th time) This time banging his head agaisnt the steering wheel, LOL!
Me: Should I go grab some distilled water? MAYBE the water needs to be filled again. AGAIN, we ARE at Target.
Chris: Let me check the oil first, do you have something I can use.
Me: Uhhhhh, here's a diaper. LOL
Chris: (Shakes his head and laughs)

In the meantime, CC is getting hot, angry and 2 seconds away from throwing a temper tantrum because he needs his bottle. Like NOW.
FRICK.
But wait...
I started plotting my next shopping spree in Target knowing that one of our parents was going to have to come to our rescue and I needed to feed this baby from the formula aisle and THAT would be the excuse to peruse the store some more.
I was actually hoping we were stranded, Chris on the other hand was not the happiest. Not that it was my fault, he was just frustrated and a crying hungry baby wasn't helping. Me on the other hand, I admit I was laughing.

It was bound to happen. I didn't grab a bottle. It was 95+ degrees out and of course it was SUPPOSE to be another quick errand. BAM.

I unbuckled the kid, rents were called and I was grabbing my purse to go buy some formula and a bottle to feed the monster. JUST as I was walking away from the car, the sweetest 80 year old women asked if we needed a jump because she my friends has jumper cables, unlike us.

So we were saved. I sat in the back the whole way home sharing puffs with CC while I just had to laugh as I started drafting this blog in my head.

Next time- I'll grab the stupid bottle- even if he's not due to eat for another 24 hours. Ill grab the wipes even if he's been potty trained for 5 years. I think I have learned my lessons.....

Maybe.

But hey, at least we have gates now. Right?